Leadership Lesson #4–Three’s a Crowd

     I remember a meeting of the SPRC (Personnel Team) in the first church I pastored 14 years ago.  With myself and a part-time administrative assistant on board, we were hiring our first program staff person.  This was my first “hire” as a staff leader, and I wanted to get it right.  I had identified the person I believed was right for the job and laid out the reasons systematically for the team to consider.  One of the team members suggested, “Instead of hiring one full-time person, I suggest we hire two part-timers.  Three’s a crowd in an office.”  After all the hard work I had put in to the process to that point, I didn’t quite grasp the reason for his caution.  The decision was made to proceed with the person recommended.  About three months and a lot of frustration later, I got it. 

     Clinical psychologists call it “triangulation.”  And it doesn’t just happen at the office.  It is prevalent in households – between parents and children, spouses and  in-laws, etc.  It is the tendency of two parties in a three-way relationship to form an alliance against the third for the purpose of advancing an agreed upn agenda.  Or, one of the parties will bring the third person into a conversation with the second for the purpose of gaining leverage or achieving advantage.  Often, the third person doesn’t even know they are “in the room.”  Can you say, “Dysfunctional?”  Actually, the practice is pretty “functional” for most of us, when we think about it.  If the truest definition of sin is found in the “I” in the middle of the word, then it is easy to understand why we do it.  Our insecurities are looking for a leg up.  Sin in us wants its way, too often at the expense of others.  The end result is broken relationships, lost productivity and weakened credibility.

     This is the amazing reality to me about the Holy Trinity:  Father, Son and Holy Spirit in perfect harmony, each acting in the interest of the other because they are One.  That’s why it takes God in the center of our lives and relationships for them to work the way God designed them.  None of us are capable on our own of acting outside of what we perceive is in our self-interest.  To seek the best for others for the sake of the team is counter-intuitive.  However, to do otherwise, is counter-productive.  Our staff knows that a cardinal sin in the office is to become a participant in a three-ring circus!  As the ”ring leader,” it is our job to set the tone and model effective communication.  Here are some suggetions:

1. Being more sensitive to the tendency to triangulate.  Recognize when we are tempted to do it and refuse.  Meet the tendency head on with others in our relational networks.  Agree to remove triangulation from our relational culture.  Perhaps it would be helpful to sit down with our teams and draw up a set of guidelines governing truth in the workplace or the household.

2. Speaking directly with our peers and partners.  Do not discuss one person with another outside their presence (at home or work).  If certain circumstances require personal referencing, be sure not to say anything we would not say if they were present.  Learning to speak directly and honestly to others with graciousness is an acquired skill.  It gets messy at times, but don’t give up.  It may be the most important skill we learn as leaders.

3. Not allowing ourselves to get sucked in.  When someone desires to engage us in a conversation about a third person who is not present to defend themselves, we need to first ask, “Have you spoken to ______ about this?”  Usually, the answer is no.  “If not, I will not have this conversation with you.  If you do not get satisfaction from them, I will be happy to go with you to speak with them so that we can achieve resolution.”  Hmmm, sounds biblical (Matthew 18).

4. Asking others to hold us accountable.  This is threatening to us as leaders, especially in our most relationally vulnerable moments.   But it will give us credibility with our team like nothing else can.

5. Spending time daily in the presence of the Trinity.  Get to know the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Through a disciplined devotional life of meditation and reflection, we learn how God relates and interacts, first within the three expressions of God’s own personality and then outside that relationship with others.  Personal awareness of God’s perfect acceptance and kindness toward us really does change our perspective.  It’s hard to be insecure when we are loved like that!  When we’re not feeling insecure, we don’t need to divide and conquer others.

Advertisement