It was hard for me and Kim to imagine how we could love anything or anyone as much as we have our own children.  Maybe it’s just been so long since they entered the world that we forget what it was like, but there is something so unique and so special to this relationship we enjoy with our children’s children.  And I have been thinking about how it might be applied to ministry and the remainder of my life in leadership.  It’s taken these few months to define what “it” is.  “It” is the awareness that the very purity of our love for Hatcher and Jak derives from the fact that we feel none of the pressure to effect the outcome of their lives.  It is our children’s turn to go to bed with that pressure!  Our job is simply to love those little boys (and girls one day, we hope).  In the midst, I am realizing that grandparenting is a lot closer to what parenting ought to be than we are willing to admit.  The pressure most parents feel to produce perfect kids is really unnecessary (not to mention other expressions like nauseating or self-obsessed).  Somehow we ignore that our children already have a Parent who loves them more than we do and knows what is best for their lives.  In reality, while parenting exposes our lack of trust in God, grandparenting gives us a second chance to remember Who our Real Parent is.  And it’s pretty neat, too, to see our kids being great parents in spite of the pressure and realize that we got it a lot more right than we ever dreamed–all because our Parent did a better job on us than we ever gave Him credit for.  Is this making any sense?  Probably not. 

     As I played with Hatcher one day recently I realized that in the course of “doing ministry” over 15 years as a pastor, I too easily forget how to play.  Why?  Because I have assumed too much of the pressure for how the church turns out.  I sometimes forget that the people I am called to serve and lead already have a Parent.  My primary job is just to roll around on the floor with them.  Of course, it is still my responsibility to make sure they come in on time, know how to be nice, and care about someone other than themselves, but the outcome is ultimately not up to me.  And as only a Pop-Pop can know, that is really comforting.

     Two salespeople were sent to a remote desert island with a quota to sell shoes.  After a few weeks, each sent a telegram to the home office.  The first said, “Please send a helicopter.  No one here wears shoes.”  The second said, “Please send shoes.  The people are all barefoot.”  Now, I can see why that story is a big hit on the “after dinner circuit.”  I’ve used it a few times myself.  It makes a great point, doesn’t it?  It’s all about perspective.  The one person focused on the obstacle while the other saw opportunity. 

     But there is something missing in the story.  Neither person thought to ask why the natives were shoeless.  In organizations, we often make assumptions about both our product and our prospects.  We like our shoes, and we can’t understand why everyone doesn’t want to wear them.  Let’s face it.  Few things in life are more comfortable than a pair of old shoes.  Like old shoes, organizations also become comfortable – well polished and well worn.  The only problem is:  few people are shopping for old shoes. 

      Let’s attempt to make this discussion relevant to church leadership for a moment.  Fewer people in our society are “wearing shoes” these days.  Increasing numbers of people are “unchurched” or “de-churched” in America.  The denomination I’m affiliated with has lost 20% of our membership in the last generation.  The answer to our decline is not to work harder making shoes no one else wants to wear.  Who was it that defined insanity as “doing the same things and expecting different results?”  Statistics indicate that starting new churches will stem the tide of denominational decline, and it’s a great place to begin the conversation.  But let’s not assume that just because we make newer versions of our same old shoes, barefoot people will buy them (or keep them).

      No, it’s time to re-engineer our shoe, or, at the very least, to provide a more compelling reason than ”institutional survival” for people to purchase what we’re producing.  One of the most compelling stories of this generation is that of Blake Mycoskie and Toms Shoes.  It’s a case study in visionary leadership.  When you buy a pair of Toms Shoes, another pair is donated to someone somewhere in the world who is shoeless.  To be honest, they are not the most comfortable or fashionable shoes on the market, but Blake Mycoskie has provided today’s socially conscious youth culture a reason to buy shoes that serves someone beyond themselves.  Seems like the church ought to take notes. 

      Yes, we must always seek to be relevant in our approach to the world.  Old shoes don’t fit new people in today’s culture.  But I am not convinced that what the natives need (or even want) most are the “coolest” or the most comfortable shoes on the market.  They just want a reason to wear shoes that transcends their own self-interest . . . and ours.

     At the risk of seeming socially aloof or technologically challenged, it is a priority decision for me.  I just don’t have time to do facebook and “face time” with an equal commitment to excellence.  After reading Keith Ferrazi’s book a few years ago titled Never Eat Alone, it is a no-brainer for me.  Face time wins.  It has been my practice for many years to leverage breakfast and lunch four days a week for building relationships, not to mention the office appointments, drop-ins on church members’ places of employment, and ”movie nights” out with a few close friends.  I guess I am just a little tired of feeling guilty for not coming home and spending a few more hours in a virtual world.  To be truthful, I never really ”got it.”  If the founders of Facebook had used a little different terminology from the get-go, my experience with the medium would have been far more fulfilling.  The friend requests are piling up, and most of them are from people I see twice a week!  When I get to church on the weekend, I spend too much time apologizing to my friends for not being their friend or for not updating my profile or writing on my wall.  It’s time to restore a little balance. 

     Speaking of balance, let me acknowledge the other side of this discussion.  I realize how valuable a tool Facebook and other social media can be in today’s rapidly expanding communication culture.  Our church has a Facebook and a Twitter account.  They are great ways to disseminate information quickly, especially to people who now consider email as archaic as the postal system.  I have been reconnected to several important people from my past over the last 18 months, for which I am very thankful (although I am not sure I’ve done any better job of maintaining those relationships than I did during the 30 years since I last saw them). 

     I am not opposed to technology or resistant to change.  Kim will quickly tell you that I possess just about every electronic gadget invented and have even threatened to invent a few of my own.  I know all the employees at the local Best Buy by name.  Our church is pretty media savvy.      

    At the heart of the matter are the social and biblical implications of re-defining friendship.  The early reports indicate that the more ”friends” a person has on Facebook, the fewer close, truly intimate relationships that person will likely maintain.   It stands to reason, if only from a practical time-management perspective.   At a deeper level, I wonder if we are trading meaningful relational commitment for mere connection.  For those of us who are listening, the Facebook phenomenon is a penetrating heart-cry for intimacy in our culture.  The biblical concept of friendship challenges our current curiosity craze.  Proverbs reminds us that “a friend loves at all times” and there is a friend “who sticks closer than a brother.”  Jesus said that a true friend is one who lays down his life for others and then he demonstrated friendship by doing just that.  In John 15:14-15, Jesus broke bread with his disciples a final time and changed their designation from servants to friends, based upon their willingness to live sacrificially in community with each other.  Real friends are hard to come by and more valuable than gold.  They tell us the truth and allow us to return the favor, and they don’t hit the “reject” button when the truth isn’t trivial.  They are cultivated across dinner tables and through logged hours of real life activities and revealing conversations.

     I applaud the millions of you who are successfully maintaining multiple hundreds of fulfilling friendships online, and I hope you will not judge me too harshly for going more organic in my own pursuit of relational relevancy.  It may prove to be an exercise in futility.  I may learn that it is as impractical to live a life without Facebook as it is function without a cell phone.  In that event, I will be back.  In the meantime, please accept the following friend request:  “Let’s do lunch.”

Bill

     Please don’t misunderstand.  It hasn’t always been that way.  I’ve had a lot to learn about picking the right people and managing them well.  But anyone who leads teams knows how rare and elusive those seasons of “synergy” can be.  It’s a little like driving a car.  One tire out of balance can wear on the others and even jeopardize the safety and stability of all aboard.  If we are behind the wheel in leadership and neglect the early warning signs of imbalance, it can be really costly relationally.   We can lose credibility in a hurry when the car gets out of control.  But, there is nothing like a smooth ride.  As leaders, building the right teams is our most important task.  So, here are some tips to consider:

1.  Take Your Time.  The most costly hiring decisions I have made are the ones I made under pressure.  Sometimes it requires courage to wait.  Constituents want their particular concerns addressed, and delay can look like indecisiveness or even lack of diligence.  However, those seasons of waiting can be really productive for an organization if we manage them well.  It provides time to re-assess priorities and re-evaluate existing personnel.  Jim Collins’ analogy of getting the right people in the right seats on the bus is such a good one (if you haven’t read Good to Great, do so now, please!).  In a non-profit organization – at least temporarily – volunteers can be recruited and trained to step up, which will reduce cost and increase effectiveness in the long run. 

2.  Establish a Consistent Hiring Strategy.  For a long time I trusted my instincts in making  personnel decisions.  My instincts are pretty good, but I learned that they are not good enough.  After a few poor choices, I learned to trust a team.  I still get to make the critical choices, but I get a lot more input.  And having a consistent strategy is helpful for the team in evaluating candidates.  I like the simple rule Bill Hybels and his team at Willow Creek developed several years ago.  Does the person being considered pass the 3 C’s test?  What is their level of competence for the job?  Are they a person of high character (not just morally, but is their work ethic consistent with the culture of the organization)?  And, what impact will this person have on team chemistry?  It’s not an exact science, but it is a good place to start.  Also, a basic temperament analysis tool can be beneficial.  There are a lot of good ones, but a team member put me onto the Enneagram Assessment a few years ago.  You can find it online at www.enneagraminstitute.com.  I like it because it assesses the interactivity of the person’s profile with the profile of the manager or supervisor who will oversee the new hire.  A lot of good analysis that will help you avoid personnel pitfalls.

3.  Do the maintenance.  Once the right people have been identified and oriented into our organizations, it is important to stay in touch relationally and professionally (without getting the two confused, of course).  Weekly or monthly meetings (as informally as possible) with direct reports communicates value.  It keeps accounts short and allows for conversations that keep tension from building over time.  Don’t avoid the difficult conversations when they are necessary.  Most team members appreciate knowing where they stand and where we stand with regard to their effectiveness.  Taking the car in for routine rotation and balance on the tires can be inconvenient with regard to our schedule, but it’s a lot cheaper than replacing a tire (or even more than one if it has worn on the others), which leads to one more important word of encouragement.  If all else fails and regular maintenance is not effective, consider trading in the model while it still has value.  A staff relationship gone bad can demoralize everyone and letting a situation go too long can rob an underperforming teammate of the confidence necessary to be more effective somewhere else.  Be very generous in severing the professional relationship (verbally and financially) and close the door gently, but move on.

4.  Have fun together.  This brings us back to where we started.  I once served on a staff that took a “coffee break” together every morning at 10:00 am.  Sometimes the jokes got ”corny,” but many of the key people on that team stayed together for many years.  Our staff meets every morning for devotions and we take time in our weekly staff meeting to laugh with each other.  Sometimes we even go too far and laugh at each other.  But the vulnerability required to apologize only increases our credibility with each other.  

      While writing this I am reminded that our staff hasn’t taken a day off for a “road trip” in awhile.  So, I am going to sign off now and go meet with the staff party planner, who is also our Financial Administrator (a great combination, don’t you think?).  Talk with you next week.

     Clinical psychologists call it “triangulation.”  And it doesn’t just happen at the office.  It is prevalent in households – between parents and children, spouses and  in-laws, etc.  It is the tendency of two parties in a three-way relationship to form an alliance against the third for the purpose of advancing an agreed upn agenda.  Or, one of the parties will bring the third person into a conversation with the second for the purpose of gaining leverage or achieving advantage.  Often, the third person doesn’t even know they are “in the room.”  Can you say, “Dysfunctional?”  Actually, the practice is pretty “functional” for most of us, when we think about it.  If the truest definition of sin is found in the “I” in the middle of the word, then it is easy to understand why we do it.  Our insecurities are looking for a leg up.  Sin in us wants its way, too often at the expense of others.  The end result is broken relationships, lost productivity and weakened credibility.

     This is the amazing reality to me about the Holy Trinity:  Father, Son and Holy Spirit in perfect harmony, each acting in the interest of the other because they are One.  That’s why it takes God in the center of our lives and relationships for them to work the way God designed them.  None of us are capable on our own of acting outside of what we perceive is in our self-interest.  To seek the best for others for the sake of the team is counter-intuitive.  However, to do otherwise, is counter-productive.  Our staff knows that a cardinal sin in the office is to become a participant in a three-ring circus!  As the ”ring leader,” it is our job to set the tone and model effective communication.  Here are some suggetions:

1. Being more sensitive to the tendency to triangulate.  Recognize when we are tempted to do it and refuse.  Meet the tendency head on with others in our relational networks.  Agree to remove triangulation from our relational culture.  Perhaps it would be helpful to sit down with our teams and draw up a set of guidelines governing truth in the workplace or the household.

2. Speaking directly with our peers and partners.  Do not discuss one person with another outside their presence (at home or work).  If certain circumstances require personal referencing, be sure not to say anything we would not say if they were present.  Learning to speak directly and honestly to others with graciousness is an acquired skill.  It gets messy at times, but don’t give up.  It may be the most important skill we learn as leaders.

3. Not allowing ourselves to get sucked in.  When someone desires to engage us in a conversation about a third person who is not present to defend themselves, we need to first ask, “Have you spoken to ______ about this?”  Usually, the answer is no.  “If not, I will not have this conversation with you.  If you do not get satisfaction from them, I will be happy to go with you to speak with them so that we can achieve resolution.”  Hmmm, sounds biblical (Matthew 18).

4. Asking others to hold us accountable.  This is threatening to us as leaders, especially in our most relationally vulnerable moments.   But it will give us credibility with our team like nothing else can.

5. Spending time daily in the presence of the Trinity.  Get to know the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Through a disciplined devotional life of meditation and reflection, we learn how God relates and interacts, first within the three expressions of God’s own personality and then outside that relationship with others.  Personal awareness of God’s perfect acceptance and kindness toward us really does change our perspective.  It’s hard to be insecure when we are loved like that!  When we’re not feeling insecure, we don’t need to divide and conquer others.

     I look forward to our lunch visits.  I just ask Jim a few questions about what he is studying, nod once in a while, and he thinks I’m smart.  Truth is, I leave those conversations feeling like a real poser much of the time.  But when I think about it, I am a lot more versed today than I was ten years ago.  Because of Jim, I read more.  It might just be so that I am not completely embarrassed at the next lunch, but at least I am making progress.  While I haven’t taken on dark matter yet, my subjects are expanding.  I made a commitment a couple of years ago to read at least two hours a day, usually in 30 minute segments.  I try to nourish my soul daily in four basic “food groups.”  I start with devotional reading in the morning (usually the classics of Christian literature), go to current periodicals and leadership stuff during the day, and finish at night with recreational reading (biographies, sports history or even the occasional True Crime story).  I am finding that the more I read, the more I realize how much there is to learn and how little time there is to accomplish it.

     One of the best books I have read lately (maybe ever) is Mark Batterson’s most recent–Primal.  Just his chapter on Holy Curiosity is worth the purchase price.  Mark suggests that when we stop learning, we stop living.  I believe he is right.  I know this: to lead we must learn.  No one knows enough already.  My friend Jim has forgotten more in his lifetime than I will probably ever learn.  If he is still asking questions, what’s our excuse for being content with what little we already know?

     So,  here is today’s assignment:  pick a subject, any subject, and learn something about it.  Maybe it’s a skill you need at work.  Or a skill you need at home.  More important than the knowledge we gain, we will learn to admit what we don’t know yet.  I guarantee that fact alone will raise our level of humility and increase our credibility with the people we serve and lead.  Have fun!

     Much has been made of Tiger’s meltdown on Saturday.  Maybe too much.  Which one of us would want a camera and microphone glued to us every workday, especially during the most vulnerable time of our life?  Did the “Tiger-tirade” lack character?  Of course.  Was it out of character for Tiger?  Of course not.  His sponsors and his adoring public tolerated that behavior long before we knew about what was happening when the cameras weren’t rolling.  The Tiger Woods story is an indictment on our culture of celebrity worship.  But enough has been said of that already.

     In a strange way, Tiger Woods is still a role model.  He is teaching us that we are always the hardest person we will ever lead.  How many times have we vowed not to eat so much? Or be nicer to the spouse and kids? Or be more tolerant of others opinions? Or not gossip? Or leave the door open when we are on the internet? Or exercise more? Or not go to the wrong kinds of places?  Or, or, or ….. Only to realize in an unguarded moment that we are just as incapable of taming our own tigers without self-discipline, transparency, accountable relationships and a Power beyond ourselves at work within us?  Maybe one of the reasons we work so hard at controling the behavior of others (and too often call it “leading”) is because we refuse to do the hard work of controling ourselves.  It’s easy to criticize Tiger and neglect our own tigers. 

     I pray that Tiger Woods finds redemption.  He has had his share of humiliation.  Now he must find the humility to work as hard on the game of life as he does on the game of golf.  So  must we.  If we don’t tame our tigers of temper, tongue, appetite, greed, lust, laziness, etc., there is more than humiliation to be had.  There are eternal consequences for ourselves and others.  Life is not a game.  And there aren’t mulligans once it’s done.  I am thankful that the tournament of life is not won or lost in a single shot, or round or even season.  And the ultimate scorecard used to measure us is not our own.   

     But the lesson is simple. Whether we lead a family, a company, an organization or a congregation, self-leadership is our most important job.  If we fail at that, nothing else in this life really matters.

     As leaders we have all had the experience at one time or another of looking back and finding our people too far behind.  And too often we have been tempted to scold them for not keeping up.  Yes, I believe that the pace of the leader is the pace of the team.  But I also believe that a leader with any sense also knows how fast people can peddle.  We have also had the experience, regretfully, of finding that somewhere along the way our folks just decided to sit down and let us keep walking.  The real test of a leader’s instincts is how far we walk before we bother to look back.   And the real test of our humility is whether we are willing to go back and find out where we left them and why.

     Two weeks ago I participated in a Catalyst event in Chicago with Andy Stanley and Craig Groeschel (and about 2,500 other people).  In one of his sessions, Groeschel made the statement that “if our people won’t, it usually means that we as leaders don’t.”  So true, isn’t it?  We can’t take people where we haven’t been or aren’t willing to go.  How often have we gathered around tables with other leaders and bemoaned realities such as, “Our people don’t pray, worship, give, get involved, or _______ (fill in the blank)”?  I will never have that conversation the same way again.  If the people I lead don’t pray, it’s probably because they are not confident that I do.  If they don’t worship, it’s usually because I am too busy analyzing and organizing the details and not fully in the moment with them.  If they don’t give, maybe I’m the one that’s stingy.

     Today, let’s consider our walk as leaders.  As church leaders, are we modeling what we believe God wants Christ-followers to be doing?  As corporate leaders and executives, do we embody what we expect of our employees and vendors?  As parents, are we saying and doing the same things?  Let’s reflect today on how we can effectively demonstrate the leadership principles we claim to embrace.  I would love to hear back from you about what you learn.

Because of my grandfather and other significant, more physically present, influences in my life, I have absorbed the subject of leadership.  From my earliest days as a reader, I have studied the lives of military and religious leaders throughout history.  I am fascinated by their courage and I am more than a little intrigued by their flaws (we all have them).  Recently, my passion has extended to corporate leaders who are making a significant difference in the culture of the companies they serve.  As a pastoral leader, I long to lead to my fullest capacity.  I may not ever lead at the highest levels positionally, but I am determined to lead at my highest level, in whatever context God desires for that to happen.  I am convinced of this: good leadership does not happen by accident. 

Almost two years ago, I read Bill Hybels book entitled “Axiom.”  It is a collection of one-liners (76 of them) that reflect the leadership culture of one of Christianity’s most transformational organizations–Willow Creek Community Church.  I owe much to the development of my core values about leadership from multiple pilgrimages to Willow over the last ten years.  Consider the posts in this series my own collection of lessons learned.  While they are not as catchy as Bill’s, they are consistent with what all good leaders learn in the process of leading.  I hope they will be helpful to you.  We’ll get started tomorrow.